It has come to my attention that Tesla was responsible for kicking the entire Aztec empire's ass. He did this with a death-ray mounted on the back of a wagon pulled by two mules. He simply went from one Aztec city to the next and would blast the unsuspecting tribesmen with a cosmic energy that no mortal man should be allowed to possess - or for that matter, fire out of a death-ray pulled by a couple of asses.
Tesla travelled back in time from Denver, Co. circa 1800's by simply staring at the curtain of reality and yelling at it until it was ripped asunder and allowed him to pass to wherever he wanted to go. No questions asked.
Tesla and Pancho Villa had a tremendous falling out along the way. The details are lost to forgotten ages but what we do know is that it involved a broken bottle of tequila, a dinosaur and a one-eyed Mexican whore called 'Diabla con Cuera." Pancho had made his move on the one-eyed cutie, but Tesla had been there first.
Tesla didn't like cock-blocking and was not amused.
He took it all a little too personal and meant to wipe out Pancho's ancestors and make it where he would never be born.
Hence "Pistolo rayo los muerto" is fighting words down south, even to this day.
Sometimes when Tesla was having a bad morning and he'd been working all night he wouldn't send the boy out to collect the eggs from the hen house. He'd walk out back in his underpants and level his death-ray at the fattest old bird in the yard and vaporize it in a mass of feathers and radiation beyond spectrums known to man in that age (or any since). The super-heat emitted from the death-rays would poach the egg in it's shell and leave it lying alone amidst the dust and smoke of what had formerly been a grand matron of the hen yard. Tesla would hold the egg up at the first rays of the sun and mock Ra with it, chuckling, "What came first, indeed?" There was no cosmic pecking order involved in this madness, it was a chaos which was only controlled by the aim of Tesla's mighty cosmic rage from which none were free. When Tesla longed for fresh milk and had no time to bother with the pail or the milking girl the cries of the cattle could be heard throughout the once silent valley as a reminder of how precious the day would be for those not waking in Tesla's cross-hairs.
